Stand-up

Hey guys,

This is the first post in a while, but i just wanted to say that i (Hallam) am thinking about doing some open mic nights as i have alot of material now which Si and i are going over in great length, Once him and i have perfected that side i will be approaching another friend of mine who is going to stand up on stage with me. If anyone has any cool ideas or knows of any dates and places of some open mic nights let me know.

Or if you think its a horrible idea and that i shouldnt go anywhere near a stage also let me know :D

Blogged with the Flock Browser

It's been a long road, getting from their to here.

Bonus points go to anyone who can name the song and TV show that the title for this blog comes from.

Howdy doody blog readers, are you well?

Right, so, time for some audience participation.

Question time.

All these questions have a right and wrong answer, despite what many say.

I'll provide the answers when enough people have answered in a comment on here.

Each question is themed around something, maybe.

If you can find a theme between the questions, you can have another bonus point.

And so the most pointed person will get a prize.

So yes, on with the quiz.

1. Who was around when they flung dung?

2. How much wood would a woodchop chop, if a wood chop could chop wood?

3. Where is question 4?

5. True or false, Brad Pitt is John Lithgows Nephew?

6. Hello Johnny, I wanna play a game?

7. Who painted Magna Carta?

8. Rabbit or Rarebit?

9. Where does she sell the seashells?

4. Did you realise it was here?

10. Where does the Pope Shit?

11. Lemon Drizzle cake, lemon drizzle cake, have ye any nuts?

12. 12? Who decided this number was next?!

13. This is numberwang?

14. How many questions?

15. Who would win in a fight, cave men or astronaughts?

16. Do the cave men have tools?

17. Where did the last two questions come from?

18. Whats the prize?

19. Whats not the prize?

20. Why is the rum always gone?

Marlborough & Such

Well, what can I say about Marlborough it’s a quaint little town with many interesting in habitants. Now for those of you who aren't local and read this blog Marlborough is home to Marlborough college, one of the best school in the country, so say, But I would suggest its a little bit shit as they do have to be in bed by 10pm, but hey what's an early night, when you can spend the rest of your life thinking you're better than everyone else and saying things like “Well Daddy owns half of Yorkshire”, “I’m so hard done by, I've just bought a brand new Ferrari and then they went and released the same model in Hot Pink a day later” and as for the girls, well they aren't much different.

Now on the subject on posh schools for some reason I have always resented them, now I know that even with a £50,000 per day educational facility I'm still going to be thick as shit and I also don't cope well with authority, which is kind of a problem in those sorts of places because even though you pay through the arsehole to afford these schools, you still don't get any freedom, This is why one of my personal heroes is a young man called Max, this kid is a legend among mortal man. There were rumors of a boy who actually tried to set fire to a science lab at one of these posh schools in Wiltshire and I remember thinking how cool that was, then I had the pleasure of meeting him quite by accident, he was dressed as a communist. Anyway, I digress the point is that no, my Mother couldn't afford the top notch superiority complex that is sometimes developed by many of these, upper class snobs, but I did what I could with my education and I achieved my best so I cant say anything more.

Now back to Marlborough like I said its home to toff and its home to other people...i.e. Chavs.
I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW, both Simon and I are all to aware of the fact that ripping it out of chavs online is overdone and over rated, but we're better than most and we still find it funny so TOUGH FUCKING LUCK. I was sat at the bus top and I glance up from my phone and what do I see, a chav, burberry cap, Cilit Bang white trainers, grey trackies, the most god awful hoody, some Cubic Zircona earrings, which he bought off this “geezer” which imports “proper diamonds” and a newspaper. Hold up what was that last one, a newspaper? Yes that's right, I Hallam James Britten of Wiltshire had discovered a piece of history so significant, so mind-blowing that I couldn't comprehend, the evolutionary link between man and chav and he was sat just metres away READING, It was amazing. Now, I went over to the creature cautiously for who knows what temperament they have the typical chav demeanor or perhaps a more human like niceness about them. Oh how could I have been so wrong. As I approached I saw them staring out the page at me, like two huge balloons with one small eye on each. I looked at the corner of the page and nearly broke into tears, a discovery this significant, this important, but it wasn't to be I glanced at the corner again “Page 3”. It was over the chav was staring at tits of page 3 of The Sun. Such a fool I felt. Another interesting moment with a chav, was a chav wearing an all white tracksuit sporting a rather ferocious looking Chihuahua, by the way I was kidding, it was the most un-ferocious looking dog you've ever seen.

However that's enough of chav's, sends a shiver down my spine thinking of them. Here are some rather interesting observations around Marlborough. Take Boots for example, just an ordinary Boots, however when buying condoms there I don't have much faith because right below the condoms are pregnancy tests, which are on special, buy one get one free, its like condoms here....but they aren't that good so have a pregnancy test too...oh and occasionally they don't work so have another one on us. Seriously WTFBBQROFLCOPTER?! (Stolen from Legend).

Anyways cheers for watching the rants.
See you soon,
Hallam

Intermission

Ok Ok I'll be honest with you, I'm running out of ideas.

However I am still here and I am still going to write about things that interest me and I'll have a little moan about things as I go along.

Actually whilst I remember, will someone sort out the fucking Post office, I don't want to travel 20min towards some shitty little village to pick up a delivery that I missed just because they cant stick it through the....LEAVE IT WITH A NEIGHBOUR FUCK HEAD !!

Any who that's out the way now and we can continue with the general ramblings of a rather unfunny nearly 20year old.

Yesterday morning I opened my email and I found an invite for Google Wave, now I'm hoping most of you know what that is for you others you need to youtube it. Not everyone gets an invite and I felt exceptionally lucky. I was so excited I signed up straight away and I love it. I've got to terms with the keywords and keyboard short-cuts, I've spoken to app developers working for google and other multimillion pound companies in America, China and Australia and its brilliant. Except as its still in its private beta stage it is now rather lonely :(

Other than that Google you are on to a winner (Y)

I would also like to say Simon that was a hilarious blog entry and I love it. Simon and I are currently sat in different locations in the south or England and we cant seem to find a tool which means we can have a group discussion easily and write and edit our blogs easily. ( Something which Wave can be used for, in the future.)

So this is sort of an intermission if you will between blogs just to explain what we hope to do in the future and what he hope to accomplish. Firstly a little about us.

We both attended Pewsey Vale School from 2001-2006 and we both started writing together a couple years back but sadly we couldn't find the time to initiate any of our projects. We decided to start a blog as its an easy way to communicate with our friends/fans, if we have any. Sadly we know people talking about being pissed off is common on the internet like this guy.

Well for one thing he is kinda fat, secondly seriously you need to think about what you're doing all you are going to do is provoke more comments putting a video like that up.

Anyways enough fun. So yes we know what we do isn't necessarily new but all we do aim to accomplish is make our friends laugh once in a while if we get some followers, FANTASTIC, if we don't we make ourseleves laugh so its a win/win situation.

Please feel free to add comments and let us know what you think we should write about, we're really nice guys so we'll even email you personally. :)

Hope to speak soon,

Hallam,

Co-Founder of The Hallam & Simon Collaboration

Come down my chimney..

Dear Santa.

This year I would like peace on Earth.
Please solve the below issues.

Please stop the people who created the "Scary movie" film series from creating needless parodies of other movies.

Please, discontinue Kerry Katona's vagina. She's got far to many children, and is well on the way to taking over the world.

Please, let me find the strength to resist buying 4 copies of big issue. I'm all for charity, but I've got enough paper to build a fort.

Please, make Saw 7 be the last. Its being made in 3D, and I'm happy for the expansion in media, but please, this film series needs to die.

Please, sort out the MP's. Stop them spending money on Boats, and moats. Cars and bars. To pay their maid, to get them laid. The cost of them having shiney teeth is our schools having low quality meat.

Please, help me fight my addiction to facebook. I play poker, I have a farm, I am a vampire, I've even been known to be a Pirate. Its stealing me away from my family. And I'm always on it at work. This can't be healthy.

Give me a ticket for Toy Story 3.

Go back in time and stop me watching Twilight.

Do all these things, and the world will be a better place.

Please Santa, I beg of you.

Regards, Simon, aged 19 (and 6 months)

Ps- I leave you cookies every year, so you best answer me!

Once more, with feeling.

I'd like to take the time,
To do a blog in rhyme.
You might think its rare,
To spend this much care.
But I want to impress.
With the hope you'll undress.
Upon reading my words.
Shout "Rise up, the nerds"
Our opinions matter,
My words intend not to flatter.
My opinion I spread,
Yet my complaints fill me with dread.
Am I becoming as miserable as my father?
I say "Well rather"
I'm getting older.
My thoughts they grow colder.
I see the sun shining I complain.
And yet complain in the rain.
There's no pleasing me now,
Everyone has tried, yet somehow.
Not a smile on my face.
Nor a chuckle around the place.
Thanks for the time.
For reading this blog made of rhyme.
So turn out the light.
For I bid thee, goodnight.

Disney and its Niceness

Hey people me again,

So how is everyone holding up? Good I hope? Fantastic. Well now we are all here I would like to see a show of hands to who people think is funnier. Now I want honest opinions neither of us are concerned we are funnier than the boring one and the fat one on Gavin and Stacey and they still get several series and a movie deal. Where’s the fucking justice? Right, Me? –Counts hands- Zero and Simon? – Counts hands- Zero. Oh yeah right. No one is reading our blog. Fuck.

Anyways ive had a few comments about how our blog can be depressive and moany. We figured complaining is funnier and its easier to complain than praise and essentially we are very lazy, but I’m going to put some effort in, im going to do some research and im going to review and talk about something very close to my heart. No no im not talking about my lungs, im talking about the global media giant Disney.

Starting with super Nazi, or so they say, Walt Disney who is in cryogenic freezing, so they say, the Disney corporation has become a household name globally from their meaningful nature documentaries which was about whales, to their classic Disney tales.

Quite frankly I wont lie, I love Disney movies, from classic tales of Pinocchio to the newer Disney/Pixar collaborations. FYI Toy Story 3 is out in the near future hell yes I’m excited. Now I know lots of people will insult me and call me all sorts of names for writing that I love Disney but I know every single person has at some time in their life has had a favourite Disney movie, mine was probably Robin Hood. What’s great about this classic films are that they are timeless and essentially can be enjoyed by a world wide audience for pretty much the end of time. Now with the up scaling most of Disney’s movies are now available as Disney Blu-Ray and if you want my opinion its amazing, buy wall-e in blu-ray, the quality is superb if like me you have a Full HD 42” TV in your room.

Recently ive been quite hurt by the slander I have heard that Disney will ruin the Marvel franchise after their $4 billion take over. If one more person says Mickey Mouse will be running around Gotham City I will take their cheap shot and shove it up their ass, for 2 reasons. ONE Gotham City is the home town of Batman which is DC comics and TWO Disney will not insult themselves by making some shitty cross-over. The marvel franchise will remain loyal to its fan base and Disney to theirs. The buy out is just further signs of corporate bull-shit which we don’t need to concern ourselves with.

Back on subject, Most Saturday’s I will suggest to my girlfriend we watch a movie and most of the time it’s a Disney. Robin Hood, Oliver and Company and Peter Pan to name a few of the great films we’ve watched. Now I will admit not everything Disney creates is good. For instance the Jonas Brothers, JESUS CHRIST REALLY! These guys not only need to go to acting school but maybe they should hang out with some real rockers. Maybe I should write to them and the Osborne’s and see if they want to do a cultural exchange, Sharon and Ozzy take the Jonas Brothers and Mr and Mrs Jonas take Jack and that girl. Now there’s some quality TV right there. Imagine the arguments “Sharon!!! These fucking boys have some fucking poofy purity shit on their fingers” [If that pops up on any major network, I will come after you, my lawyers are good and they’re Jewish] But on the whole Disney programs aren’t bad I mean even Hannah Montana has its moments and that Suite Life on Deck cracks me up. What’s also interesting is the other day my 3 year old brother was humming a tune which I was sure I recognised and sure enough he was humming Beethoven I kid you not, he watches that Little Einsteins (A Disney Creation). That’s a smart kid.

Now I’m hoping this little blog entry has really opened your eyes to what Simon and I are capable of writing, we can do nice pieces, we do like things, but we will do the occasionally moaning. It’s what we do best.

Cheers for reading guys, we know you have better things to do J

See you in the next guys

Hallam